Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Statistics

A poll was taken in the building industry,
O well,
there's plenty more where that came from.




( Note for you slow ones: poll = pole = polish person )

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Aerophobic

Aerophobic aero·pho·bia noun - fear or strong dislike of flying



But hang on...


What would someone be called if they had a phobia of the chocolate bar, Aero?



They can't have a name now can they, as its been used. Who ever came up with "aerophobic" was just selfish and didn't think it through. Thanks alot.

Monday, 27 April 2009

The Midget In the Corner

What's the point of the mini sign language people on TV?
You know the annoying ones that cause half the picture to be blocked? If i was deaf i'd much rather just use subtitles. Lip reading would be a close second; but not the annoying mini person.

There so damn distracting and creepy! If they're not doing some exagerated, attention seeking, berserk, hand movements; they stand there eerily still, with a creepy, forced, unnerving grin. To make it worse, once they've popped up, you can no longer focus on the program anymore, constantly mesmirristed by the frantic signals.

Im not sure why deaf people use sign language anyway. I'd just carry around a notebook and pen.

Hmm apparently sign language is used as it conveys the emotion of what is being said....what the hell are the actors for then? If you mute the tele you can pick up pretty easily the actors emotions (even in "programmes" like scrubs). Do deaf people really need the classification of a little person in the corner with an OTT, open mouth grin, nodding; as in to say "yes...yes he's happy!" ?

Also, are deaf people only watching tv at night or on Sunday mornings?
That's the only time you see the sign language midget in the corner. You never see them on exciting shows either, where there is a danger of something actually happening. Only on documentaries, children's shows or hollyoaks. I wonder what the midget in the corner would do if faced with a sex scene...



I suspect she would calmly grasp both hands in front of herself; gaze forwards peering into your eyes juding you, while giving a disaproving smile; as she accepts her fate to slowly fade away - masking her obvious awkward dissatisfaction at the sordid scene unfolding in front her.

She thinks shes better than you - stick to subtitles.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Viag- *aaa..*


Would men actualy be open about problems in bed?
Erectile dysfunction's a hard one to be honest about.
Its not like premature ejaculation; guys just come straight out with that one.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Urine Spray Man

I wasn't aware this was a super power! Don't mess with this super hero!



BBC Headline 14/04/09 - Urine spray man gets nine years

Isn't this the same premise The Incredibles had? Poor Urine Spray Man was saving the day when the police get the wrong idea and jailed him for it.
I mean how are you meant to put that fire out? No water around - and Urine Spray Man saves the day!
Or perhaps he was going around spraying urine at bad guys - a sort of perverted Robin Hood figure!
I for one, salute you Urine Spray Man - God speed sir!

Smelling or Wispa-ing?


So some guy walks out this shop opposite me and unwraps his chocolate bar. He looks at it, and then raises it to his nose..taking a long 10 secs to, what i can only assume, is smell it. He then bites of the end, and by the time i look back at him he is smelling it again. Really strange. Wasn't twitching his nose stiffing it, or scrunching up his face questioning the bar...he was just...smelling it.

Weird right?
It was in Morden - Not quite as weird now is it?

However it was a Wispa bar, so maybe he took that too literaly? Talking his chocolate up, getting its flavours flowing...hmm...Don't knock it till you try it right? I will report back with my findings :D

Monday, 13 April 2009

Anyone for a Dip?...or should that be Dig?...


You know your paddling pool is more than dirty, when, rather than using buckets, "the kids are gonna shovel the water out tomorrow".

Time Travel

Went to little chef the other day
What Year is it???


There was some guy there on the phone.
Now, most people seem to shout on the phone; this is so much worse when it comes to old people who have mobiles. They can't really hear, so logicaly, they scream everything. Problem solved?

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Good Friday


Menu
Breakfast: Bacon Sandwich
Lunch: Ham & Turkey Sub
Dinner: Meaty Pizza



...oops




Thursday, 9 April 2009

Barbers

My hairs gone all army again.

Guy cutting my hair looked 21...20...19..defo 19...18...no 19....18...17....
So i had a 12 year old cutting my hair. He needed a hair cut.

Where are you meant to look when someone cuts your hair? Are you meant to stare yourself out for 20mins?

It seems like womens hairdressers are gossip hot spot, with non stop chatter... How come barbers are so deadly silent?

Finally, how come i never like my hair? Right now im thinking, it will look better once its grown out a bit..then when that happens i start to think it will look better cut...damn this vicious cycle!