Tuesday, 3 November 2009

The Only Joke I Could Come Up With At Work

Mona Lisa was taken into custody today for attempted murder.



She was later released as police realised she was framed.

Oh Stop Wineing

What alcoholic beverage is quickly becoming extinct?



White Wineo

An Astute Observation

Here's something i don't get. Actually, instead of just putting it out there and signing off, i'll explain how this came to my mind.

So im swimming early in the morning- the old peoples hour.
(Old people sure love to swim, and the baffling thing is they are so good at it. Im a pretty strong swimmer, but i do two lengths then im clinging onto the side panting away, while the old folks just keep on going at their monotonous breast stroke. Its embarrassing - but another story).

So anyway, as im at the side gasping for air, theres an old guy next to me. This guy looked kinda like, but wasnt, but for the stories sake definetly was, Michael Caine:

So Michaels standing there about to take off again, when this asian guy drifts over. For arguments sake this asian guy played Jin's father on LOST:

So Mr Kwon swims over, and Michael starts to smile - initially i thought "woah this is weird...are they flirting!?" before i concluded they just knew each other. They clearly wernt close friends, but they recognised each other, and there was an element of forced small talk that went like so:

Mr Kwon: "Oh hello"
Michael Caine: "Hello...how you?"

How you!? Not how are you, but how you!
Why is it that people feel the need to change their accents, and really dum down their sentences when talking to foreigners? Foreigners, who have probably lived in this country for centuries.
I get it if they are just learning the language or something. I mean when i went to India the kids didnt understand most of what i said ["GO AWAY!"] so i spoke in key words, like "Camera broken, camera broken". (I always repeated it, like i aquired my language skills from watching parrots on YouTube). But does the word "are" really need to be dropped from that sentence? The guy thought the asian guy couldnt possibly wrap his mind around the sentence with the word "are" in it. So weird.

It went to an even weirded place though when their small talk dried up:

Mr Kwon: "Im fine, you fine?"
Michael Caine: "Im fine"
-pause-
(Awkward silence and the asian guy cracks first)
Mr Kwon: "Water...wet"

What an astute observation..

Monday, 2 November 2009

Notebooks At the Ready

Seeing old people making out is gross. That's a fact.
But at what age does it go from being ok, to simply gross?

Exhibit 1:
People like seeing two young people making out, cause its romantic (if your a girl) or looks hot (if your a guy). The kissers are in the mid to late 20s - and its looking good.

Exhibit 2:

Later on in this film, these two make out - and its gross to see. Im not vomiting or anything, but i did squint my eyes when watching. People seem to agree as i couldn't find a single pic of them kissing in that film (compared to over 600,000 images of the 1st image). They are in their 70s and its weird to watch.


So my question: What is the age where the threshold is crossed between hot and gross?
I'd safely say 70 and 60 is weird...would you be weired out by 50 year olds making out on the street? I think i would.

What about 40 year olds really going at it? Matthew Fox is in his 40's and im ok with seeing that (..what?) So maybe its between 40 and 50? On the eve of your 50th birthday perhaps? i don't know, im not a doctor, but what i do know is old people making out is gross! FACT!

Where The Hell Did This Phrase Come From!?

Kettle Of Fish



This is one of those phrases where the origin worries me alot. Where could it possibly come from? Either way im sure the NSPCA are going to be pissed!

Cue fish jokes:
Bet the guy responsible felt so gill-ty.
This is proof that there is no cod.
...ok..thats enough.

In Conclusion - it can only be bad news, when the sound of steam becomes the tuna death.
(im allowed to go out on one)

Saturday, 10 October 2009

After the caffine boost

What coffee damages your self-esteem?



A Mocha

Saturday, 29 August 2009

Finaly



Shoes that fit me! :D

River Island's New Demographic



With the credit cruch putting such a strain on the retail industry, shops are forced to think of new ways to make sure they stay afloat. At first glance your thinking this animal manikin thing is not going to work out too well. Who is walking past this display thinking: "well if the shirt looks good on the hippo...". But River Island's plan is obviously to start getting animals to wear their clothes. An untapped market, which if it takes off could make them millions.

Soon your be strolling through Richmond Park to see deers in demins; London Zoo will feature bears in beanies, and before you know it your be buying your cat's cardi's.



You heard it here first

Monday, 24 August 2009

Who's walking this slow!????





Clearly Subway customers are putting on a hell of alot of weight

A Pizza-My-Mind

Saturday night and I was going to cook but subconsiously i kept making myself wait until it was too late to justify not cooking.
I believe this has been termed as lazy.

Later that night im tucking into a take-away pizza, when i realise on the side of the delivery box it says:



Im thinking...what is this?
It looks like an advertisement.
A reallllly lazy advertisement.

Like someones thinking "hmm what should i eat today?" then they see eatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizza. "hmm...maybe i'll have......"eatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizzaeatpizza "........pizza"

But its on the box. The box you get after you've paid, recieved and most probably started eating your pizza. So it can't be advertising pizza.
So im thinking, are these instructions?
Like there's someone holding this cheesy wedge thinking "...Now where the hell do i put this?".

Luckily, after he has cheese drooling from his ear, pepperoni stuffed in his VCR, tomato sauce all over his ironing - he stops and chuckles a sigh of relief, as he sees:

Friday, 5 June 2009

Question

Are exam invigilators the creepiest people in the world?


Answer:



Yes

They always have that fake smile stretched across their face; gleaming eyes and exasperated movements. They are essentialy the modern day mime.
And when you are gouging your eyes out over an exam, look up and see their unnerving, beaming expression... You just want to stand up; grab your label-less icy water bottle; smack them straight to the head and passively watch them instantly (and characteristicly silently) hit the floor - before you calmly go back and take your seat.

Next time.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Toilet Humour

Do you ever feel bad about going in a disabled toilet?
I do.
I feel like an invader, breaking some sort of fragile alliance we have with the disabled. If i got caught in there, the disabled would wage complete and utter war on everyone. Not worried? Think it would only end up costing them an arm and a leg? Well, I for one think they'd pop a (handy) cap in yo ass!

Also, why is "Disabled" treated as a third gender? How come disabled men and women can just use the same toilet? Is it because disabled men can't lift the toilet seat up? They should have disabled urinal's just for the hell of it. It would simply be a hose. [Did you know they've already developed this for women? Its basicly a funnel]


But i digress.

The inspiration to write this blog came when i was in a disabled toilet the other day, and this thought crossed my mind:
"Oh my god, this is what toilets look like in NASA!"

Look at all those bars everywhere and the way they always look so modern and high tech - with all those mysterious cords dangling from the celling, tempting you to pull them - but you wouldnt dare. They're always bright white as well - no wonder disabled people are always wearing sunglasses - it's so they can use the bathroom!


So now my theory:
NASA have designed every disabled toilet in the world, so disabled people adjust to the lighting and all the gizmo's, so that they can run a space operation with any disabled person in the world.
Crazy? So is the Eurovision song contest and that's still allowed to happen.



First they will conquer space - Then EARTH!
You heard it here first.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Psychology Revision


Freud thought phobias were caused by unresolved childhood traumas.
This makes sense as Dale Winton was scratched by a cat as a child, and now he hates pussy....!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Statistics

A poll was taken in the building industry,
O well,
there's plenty more where that came from.




( Note for you slow ones: poll = pole = polish person )

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Aerophobic

Aerophobic aero·pho·bia noun - fear or strong dislike of flying



But hang on...


What would someone be called if they had a phobia of the chocolate bar, Aero?



They can't have a name now can they, as its been used. Who ever came up with "aerophobic" was just selfish and didn't think it through. Thanks alot.

Monday, 27 April 2009

The Midget In the Corner

What's the point of the mini sign language people on TV?
You know the annoying ones that cause half the picture to be blocked? If i was deaf i'd much rather just use subtitles. Lip reading would be a close second; but not the annoying mini person.

There so damn distracting and creepy! If they're not doing some exagerated, attention seeking, berserk, hand movements; they stand there eerily still, with a creepy, forced, unnerving grin. To make it worse, once they've popped up, you can no longer focus on the program anymore, constantly mesmirristed by the frantic signals.

Im not sure why deaf people use sign language anyway. I'd just carry around a notebook and pen.

Hmm apparently sign language is used as it conveys the emotion of what is being said....what the hell are the actors for then? If you mute the tele you can pick up pretty easily the actors emotions (even in "programmes" like scrubs). Do deaf people really need the classification of a little person in the corner with an OTT, open mouth grin, nodding; as in to say "yes...yes he's happy!" ?

Also, are deaf people only watching tv at night or on Sunday mornings?
That's the only time you see the sign language midget in the corner. You never see them on exciting shows either, where there is a danger of something actually happening. Only on documentaries, children's shows or hollyoaks. I wonder what the midget in the corner would do if faced with a sex scene...



I suspect she would calmly grasp both hands in front of herself; gaze forwards peering into your eyes juding you, while giving a disaproving smile; as she accepts her fate to slowly fade away - masking her obvious awkward dissatisfaction at the sordid scene unfolding in front her.

She thinks shes better than you - stick to subtitles.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Viag- *aaa..*


Would men actualy be open about problems in bed?
Erectile dysfunction's a hard one to be honest about.
Its not like premature ejaculation; guys just come straight out with that one.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Urine Spray Man

I wasn't aware this was a super power! Don't mess with this super hero!



BBC Headline 14/04/09 - Urine spray man gets nine years

Isn't this the same premise The Incredibles had? Poor Urine Spray Man was saving the day when the police get the wrong idea and jailed him for it.
I mean how are you meant to put that fire out? No water around - and Urine Spray Man saves the day!
Or perhaps he was going around spraying urine at bad guys - a sort of perverted Robin Hood figure!
I for one, salute you Urine Spray Man - God speed sir!

Smelling or Wispa-ing?


So some guy walks out this shop opposite me and unwraps his chocolate bar. He looks at it, and then raises it to his nose..taking a long 10 secs to, what i can only assume, is smell it. He then bites of the end, and by the time i look back at him he is smelling it again. Really strange. Wasn't twitching his nose stiffing it, or scrunching up his face questioning the bar...he was just...smelling it.

Weird right?
It was in Morden - Not quite as weird now is it?

However it was a Wispa bar, so maybe he took that too literaly? Talking his chocolate up, getting its flavours flowing...hmm...Don't knock it till you try it right? I will report back with my findings :D

Monday, 13 April 2009

Anyone for a Dip?...or should that be Dig?...


You know your paddling pool is more than dirty, when, rather than using buckets, "the kids are gonna shovel the water out tomorrow".

Time Travel

Went to little chef the other day
What Year is it???


There was some guy there on the phone.
Now, most people seem to shout on the phone; this is so much worse when it comes to old people who have mobiles. They can't really hear, so logicaly, they scream everything. Problem solved?

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Good Friday


Menu
Breakfast: Bacon Sandwich
Lunch: Ham & Turkey Sub
Dinner: Meaty Pizza



...oops




Thursday, 9 April 2009

Barbers

My hairs gone all army again.

Guy cutting my hair looked 21...20...19..defo 19...18...no 19....18...17....
So i had a 12 year old cutting my hair. He needed a hair cut.

Where are you meant to look when someone cuts your hair? Are you meant to stare yourself out for 20mins?

It seems like womens hairdressers are gossip hot spot, with non stop chatter... How come barbers are so deadly silent?

Finally, how come i never like my hair? Right now im thinking, it will look better once its grown out a bit..then when that happens i start to think it will look better cut...damn this vicious cycle!